i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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