Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Randomize
