here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
