do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
