I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
