im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
