Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
