Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
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My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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