life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
