maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
