I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
