How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
