then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
