why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
