he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
