the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
