Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
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