she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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