Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
