GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
