GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
