I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
