When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
