If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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