Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
