His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
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We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
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I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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