I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
