Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
