I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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