I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
