Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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