I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
