I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
