The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just high enough for therapy.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
