You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
