i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
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Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
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Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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