I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
