Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
