I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
