My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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