I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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