you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
