Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
