Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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