Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
