grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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