I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
