remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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