he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
