Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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