Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
