Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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