she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
