fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
