there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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