Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
