So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
