I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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