She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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