I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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