I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
