my phone needs a breathalizer
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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