The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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